No Regrets? Really?

It’s hard to think of another behavioural scientist out there who nails it time after time with such great lines as, “Human beings are both seasoned time travellers and skilled fabulists.” Step forward, Dan Pink, and take a bow.

His Drive has long been a book I’ve recommended ad nauseam to all and sundry, and now his latest one, The Power of Regret, is another zinger. Its subtitle – How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward – could come straight out of the Rooted element of the REALM model I’ve been banging on about for the last year. He even talks about the three selves – Current, Ought, and Ideal. I love him.

We’ve all screwed up at some point. We’ve either done something we shouldn’t have or else not done something we could or should have. Too often we then either sink into and dwell on these regrets, or blindly brazen it out by claiming to never look back. In both cases we’re missing a huge learning opportunity.

In essence, Pink argues that having regrets make us human and also better. By making us feel worse today, regrets help us act better tomorrow. Dealing upfront with our regrets helps sharpen our decision-making, elevates our performance, and – wait for it – strengthens our sense of meaning and purpose. Have I said how much I love the guy?

 Regret is valuable. It clarifies. It instructs. Done right, it needn’t drag us down; it can lift us up.

From his extensive, multicultural research, Pink classifies regrets into four main categories:

• Foundation – a failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent, i.e. If only I’d studied harder…If only I’d started saving earlier…

• Boldness – either action or inaction, i.e. If only I’d thought twice…If only I’d asked her out…

• Moral – something in which we let our own ethical values down, i.e. If only I’d done the right thing…

• Connection – somehow we’ve let a relationship suffer, i.e. If only I’d picked up the phone…If only I’d gone to see him…

Clarifying our regrets – not wallowing in them or pretending they don’t exist – is a fantastically useful element in growing our self-awareness. For in understanding what we regret the most, we also clarify what we value the most.

And, unsurprisingly I’m sure, Pink discovers in his research that  I coulda regrets outnumber I shoulda ones three to one. And this only increases with age.

Time to make that jump?

Julian

I help people lead their own way forward

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