Who do we (not) need?

Writing is a notoriously solitary pursuit. It involves a lot of ringfencing and a lot of apologising. Missed social occasions, missed time with loved ones, missed attention. And lots of closed doors. For those of us in people-focussed helping professions, that last one is particularly difficult. Shutting the door goes against the very grain of our being…

Mapping and setting out on a new direction can also involve shutting some doors. I’ve written in a previous Postcard about our A-Team (https://orangecairns.com/whos-on-our-a-team/), the people we need around us to help us get to where we want to go. The positive critics, the shoulders, the sounding boards, the entertainers, and more who will smooth, inspire, challenge, and facilitate our way. Let’s look now at what we do with those around us who are not on our ‘Board’.

We’re not talking here the toxic elements. In Outward Mindset (Arbinger) terms, these are those who see others as objects or tools for their own advancement. And usually, it’s pretty clear who’s in this corner. The negative critics, the sycophants, anyone whose agenda is not ours, etc, etc. Whatever the destination, we shouldn’t be sharing our time and oxygen here, but it’s Ramadan, so let’s simply move on:)

More difficult perhaps is what to do with those we may have been close to at one stage. To paraphrase Marshall Goldsmith, who got you here may not get you there. As in sports, the team changes with every game. It’s a shift we take with every change in leadership level and with every new direction we embark on. Such people may not understand our wish – our need in fact – to focus on a fresh goal and direction. They may even be well-meaning and eager to help. And they will almost certainly take any rejection of this help personally.

In effect though, if they are not part of that select group we have determined to help us on our way, they are a drain on our resources – most significantly on our time, of which we have so little to achieve what we wish to achieve.

It may not be a complete goodbye to the relationship. Indeed, they may be part of our journey again at some future point. So if possible, it calls for a clear setting of boundaries. Rather than ghosting, it calls for an upfront clarification of why this direction is important to us and why we need to focus our time. Out of respect for our shared history, it’s an honesty put as delicately as our audience needs. It’s a tough love which may not go down well, yet as the sage says:

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind

Dr Seuss

Appealing as it can be, we don’t need to live as hermits in the wild to get our dreams achieved. Quite the opposite usually. Yet this demarcation of our time and who we need around us is essential not just for the success of any goal but also for our wellbeing and balance. For in focussing on living fully, we need to be clear on who is draining and who is filling our cup. Self-awareness as ever.

If our way forward is as meaningful and fulfilling as we mean it to be, then those who are not with us on this particular leg of our journey will understand and will applaud from the sidelines. That is our gift to them and to ourselves.

Julian

I help people lead their own way forward